


the game we never play

by orphan_account



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-25
Updated: 2013-06-25
Packaged: 2017-12-16 04:54:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/858029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These feelings scare her more than she's willing to deal with so she knows that next time she sees Tobin they'll continue the elaborate game they've been playing. Alex just wishes she could remember the rules.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the game we never play

**Author's Note:**

> it's a big elaborate metaphor that i mightn't have explained very well. title is a play on the lyrics of 'feel like rain' by motion city soundtrack

It's a game to them, Alex thinks. A game of sidestepping and dancing around each other with long looks and lingering touches, and a game that doesn't seem to have an end. It's a game that's been going on—at least on her side—as long as they've known each other, right back from the beginning. It's tiring her out.

It starts, really starts that is, during the olympics, when Alex scores the late goal against Canada to take them to the final of the Olympics. In the moment right after the team runs to her, in the huddle, she hears a voice, unmistakeably Tobin's, in her ear.

“I could kiss you right now.”

It's a joke, and when Alex tries to turn to meet her eyes she finds she can't because of her teammates, but still something tickles her stomach at the words, at the thought of it happening.

She pushes away the image because all eyes are on her right now and she needs to be professional. She doesn't think about the way Tobin's eyes hardly leave her all night.

The instances go on, with the way Tobin's hand lies on her hip, or how her laugh seems fuller and less contained around Alex, or when Tobin's thigh brushes up against hers during dinner when really they've got plenty of room.

The fact that the instances happen bothers Alex less than she thinks they should. If anything bothers her it's the fact that she notices every touch, every interaction, that much more now.

If she's telling the truth what bothers her most of all is that she can't get enough of it. She can't get enough of Tobin.

As time goes on, Alex finds that it's easier to just ignore it. If nobody—especially not her—acknowledges her growing attraction to one of her best friends, then it isn't real, right?

It gets harder to tell herself that when she scans the crowded bar to find Tobin and all she sees is Tobin looking right back.

It's Kelley that first prompts her to acknowledge whatever it is she's feeling. It's almost a full year after when she first felt it, and it seems fitting that they're playing the same team that brought her feelings to light in the first place.

That is, if bringing her feelings to light involves realising them, then burying them deep inside her where nobody is ever going to find them.

Kelley's not shy about the topic at all, and maybe Alex hasn't been as subtle as she thinks.

“So, you and Tobin?” Her voice interrupts Alex from her book, but she holds it at the page it's open at. Maybe if she doesn't act like this is going to be a serious conversation it won't be.

Alex looks up and quirks an eyebrow, trying to stay calm whilst feeling the blush creep up her neck, “What about me and Tobin?”

If Alex had kept eye contact instead of darting her eyes back to her book she would have noticed Kelley's raised eyebrows and knowing smirk, “Are you guys a thing or?” Kelley trails off expectantly.

Alex sighs as she realises she's not getting out of this conversation. She dog-ears the page of her book and sets it aside. “What do you want me to tell you Kelley?”

Kelley shrugs.

“We aren't a thing, we just- I don't know what we are.”

“Do you want to be a thing?”

Alex wonders if her voice conveys just how lost she feels. “I don't know.”

Kelley must understand, because she crosses the gap between their beds—during their thirty second conversation it seemed to become an ocean—to wrap Alex in a hug. There's tears fighting to get through but somehow they never come, and when Alex speak again the tremble is gone from her voice. “It'll be fine. I'll be fine.”

-

Alex is fine, for a while longer at least, and she doesn't think about the back of Tobin's hand barely brushing hers as they walk the streets of Toronto. She definitely doesn't think about her overwhelming urge to flip hers over and just hold hands. Mostly though, she doesn't think about kissing Tobin, because the attraction she's feeling is definitely more than a little crush.

She can deal with that though, as long as Tobin's hands are lingering as long as hers as they say goodbye at the airport for the last time before Tobin comes to Portland, and as long as she still gets to see the look on Tobin's face as she turns around for the last time before security and lifts her hand to say goodbye.

Alex swears she sees love there. Love that almost causes her to run to security and pull Tobin back and kiss her the way she's only ever allowed herself to dream about late at night.

It scares her, that she could change everything at any minute; that she could make this real in the blink of an eye. It scares her more than she's willing to deal with so she knows that next time she sees Tobin—at camp in Boston—they'll continue the elaborate game they've been playing. Alex just wishes she could remember the rules.

-

By the time camp in Boston rolls around, Alex still doesn't know how to approach the issue. She wants to be alone with Tobin, she thinks, because maybe then they could talk and nobody would make any rash decisions or missteps.

Alone in public isn't what Alex was going for, but Tobin's offering her ice cream and she's not going to turn it down.

She doesn't say anything profound, they keep the conversation light, but as they're getting ready to leave Alex allows herself to grab Tobin's elbow and looks her in the eye. “I really missed you Tobs.”

She wants Tobin to feel her sincerity in her eyes and her voice and she must, because she grabs Alex's hand to pull her up into a hug. “I missed you too.”

Tobin doesn't let go of Alex's hand the whole way back to the hotel.

-

Tobin's roommate—Becky, Alex remembers too late to care—isn't in the room when they get back, and Tobin invites her in.

They're alone now, the way Alex has wanted right since the start of camp. Tobin seems to want it too, but now that they've reached this stage, it seems like neither of them can find the words they need. Alex looks at Tobin, Tobin looks at Alex.

The silence is prolonged a full minute longer before they simultaneously burst out laughing. The suspense does nothing but make them laugh harder, the nerves refusing to calm them at all.

It's not that funny, but they laugh together until Alex's knees weaken and she stumbles forwards to where Tobin catches her and holds her in place. Eventually the laughter subsides, but the grins remain on both of their faces.

She could lean in, right now, and change everything.

Alex will be the last to admit just how good it feels. The uncertainty, the suspense; there's a part of her thinks it feels better than finality ever would. Whether that finality is them together or otherwise, this state of limbo has become the single constant in her ever-changing life upon which Alex can rely.

She laughs and falls back on the bed, Tobin's body landing softly beside her.

If she wasn't so scared she might roll over and kiss her now. As it is she settles for staring at the ceiling and mumbling, “You're my best friend.”

Silence.

A sigh.

“You're my best friend too.”

The game continues.


End file.
